Hi. I'm Drew. This is me doing life. Dealing with the hard and good times that come. And sharing every experience with you. :) drewdarling.tumblr.com
It was going well. Everything was doing great and I was actually okay…and then one night, out of the blue, I feel it.
That tight feeling in your chest…that dreaded feeling of not knowing what’s wrong…and that slight pain…and then comes the dificulty to breathe…
If feels like all of your insides are awake but you aren’t. It’s like you can’t catch your breath and if you try, it just hurts.
Then your eyes sting with the feeling of wanting to shed all the sadness and pain and heartbreak for maybe a moment of peace and maybe, finally, you can fall asleep.
But tears don’t fall.
So you curl up in a ball and hug your pillow and try and fall asleep and hope that tomorrow will be better and then maybe you can finally breath.
In the process of re-vamping a lot of things. So much so that I’m now redoing my computer and what it looks like.
It’s like every little thing in my life needs to change. My eating, the way I do things and how I organize things. My homework patterns are not good…ugh. I really need to bust ass this week. Thankfully, I have fall break the next two days and on Friday we have an optional class which has to do with our schedules so I think I’ll go but it won’t be longer than maybe 20 minutes. Wayyyyy better than the usual two hours.
I just want things to change. I want to feel like I have ahold of things and that I can actually do life and do school.
Anyway. I must be off. We are having family over and I’m happy about that. I miss my grandparents and I’m really happy that they will be here for a while. I like being able to chat and be open with them and have someone to talk to about the cluster fuck of a family situation I have going on.
Toodles Lovelies. I shall be back later. :)
I won’t stop making people uncomfortable about saying that I don’t like American Horror Story. It glorify’s rape and if its awkward then something isn’t right.
There is no worse feeling than hearing your parent’s argue on the phone over something that you did or something that you said.
Mom called me and somehow, Dad and I got to talking about it and then Sister forgot her phone charger so I went to take it to her (she moved out and was headed to her other job) and when I came back, they were arguing on the phone.
I don’t even know how long they were on the phone but Dad was dead this morning, and they normally talk for a while.
Ugh. Over it all.
This is college…can you not forget the attendance sheet?!
And now, she doesn’t have anything written with the slides and the notes aren’t on the site and like…ugh. Why am I even here right now?
Okay. I may hate school, and I may want to quit, but At least I put in the work! Damn. I come to class, I do the work, and I spend the time to make sure I do well.
A classmate of mine, is getting on my last nerve. I get it. You hate it here. You don’t take it seriously. Cool. THEN WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!
Don’t bother showing up, if you aren’t going to work and be ready to put in the time. And no. I won’t sign your name for art history, because this is the second time that you’ve asked me to because you haven’t gotten your 3D project done. THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN DOING WITH ALL THAT EXTRA TIME! I may be late on some shit, BUT COME ON! I at least try! And try to get shit done! Damn.
I just don’t tolerate people wasting their time and then bitching about getting a bad grade. Just stop.
Monday and Wednesday mornings are my new favorite mornings. Besides Friday mornings because I only have one super easy class and I get to sit with Neff but that’s beside the point.
I like these mornings because it’s just early enough to have a good day ahead of me, but just late enough that it doesn’t feel like I’m waking up at the ass crack of dawn. And because I don’t get up at 6 like Tuesday’s and Thursdays, I’m not as late and I actually get coffee made, which is a miracle.
This week, it’s been hard to wake up. It’s hard to drag my ass out of my warm and comfy bed, to go to a cold icky school and sit in class all day. That idea just doesn’t sit well with me.
I’m back to the learning. Whatever that is.
Panic attack number 3.
At least I went a couple weeks between them now. I’m making progress?
I’m really sick of being so tried and exhausted and tired of school. I have never truly hated school this much before.
Probably because I’ve never been to public school but I’ve always not enjoyed it. It’s not that I don’t like learning, I really do. But when it’s added with grades and tests and time and ugh. I can’t work like that! I don’t learn like everyone else! I don’t learn at the same speed as a whole shit ton of other people.
I grew up in a very different environment so it’s a little different to go from homeschooling to this. And I just want to sit and cry about it but then I’ll be labeled as the weak one. Not that I care about labels but come on. Get off it.
I just want to succeed and I’m afraid that I won’t and that I’ll fall on my face and never be able to get back up.
I’m really frustrated with a classmate.
Can I just…?
So we’re sitting in 3D class today, and I said something about school and homeschooling comes up. It always does because APPARENTLY I didn’t go to a real school. -insert irritated face here-
And Hurley (the classmate) starts talking about how much she enjoyed public school and how she had so many opportunities and blah blah blah. Then I pipe up, because somehow it related to the conversation, and said something about me having opportunities and she’s like, ‘no’.
UMMMMMM EXCUSE ME!
*allow me to pause to go off for one second*
NOOO! Shit. Just because I was homeschooled DOES NOT MEAN that I didn’t have opportunities. And she was talking about how she learned so much and got such social skills and how you only get them in public school.
Excuse me while I scream into a pillow and puke.
OH MY GOSH! LIKE STOP. Public school is not the only place to get social skills. Public school is not the shit. Public school is not the answer to everything. Public school IS NOT SHIT.
Like just stop before I smash your head into a wall. I’m really angry and I apologize for that but I get really irritated with people who think that public school is the only way to go. And that homeschooling has nothing to offer. And then she goes on about playing in Carnegie Hall. Big whoop. I went to Europe for three weeks. Who cares.
And I’m sorry. You can’t ONLY get into band by going to public school. I know this because I tried it and it may have ended not so great but that’s because we didn’t follow the rules but who cares. If we’d done it the proper way, we would’ve done just fine. It would’ve worked out. And that’s not the answer to everything.
You want to know the opportunities I had?! I was able to see my family all the time. I was able to have myself in charge of how I got my homework done and myself to blame if it wasn’t. I was able to take vacations whenever I wanted and change my education around to what I wanted to learn. I was able to change it because that’s what I felt like I needed. I may have had a lot of bumps along the road, but I made it. I didn’t have shit HANDED to me by public school.
And I’m not just saying that public school doesn’t have it’s perks. I have friends that did way better with that than homeschooling. And that’s totally fine. But don’t think that public school is the only way to do things and that it’s the only place to give you opportunities. So please. Don’t diminish my education and think that it is any less because I did it a little differently.
It hits home because I had such a hard time getting into Herron and everyone else did it so easily and it makes me sad for the whole system because I had to work a lot harder and it didn’t do well for my mental health. It’s taking a toll and it bothers me that she hit that nerve today.
Ugh. Today has ended on a bad note. Not the actual day, but the school day. I mean, I was able to do things that I needed for the day and get to class but that seems like about as much as I can do. The fact that I make it to class every day, is a freaking miracle.
I did my english homework in Art History this morning and thankfully 3D was easy to do. But then I get into English and I just wanted to cry.
We have different short stories to read each day, not always, and this one was an Edgar Allen Poe story and I thought that I figured out the story but as they talk about it, I totally missed the plot. What the heck. Can I not understand words?!
I also feel like all of it is due to lack of time. I’m always doing something and I just want to curl up and cry my eyes out. I’m just waiting for the ball to drop and me to just give it all up. I’m not saying that I want to end my life, but I don’t want to come to school anymore. I don’t think that anyone truly understands how hard it is to hold it all together and try and keep sane. No. I’m not keeping sane. I can’t. I can’t do it all. I have one day between some classes to do a lot of homework but I also have oh I don’t know, A LIFE. I’m not just staying at friends houses all the time. I’m trying to eat, and clean, and take a nap because we all know that there are nights where I have to stay up until 2 am to get shit done then wake up at 6 to go to school. And also try to just have some time to myself.
I end up being okay for a while, and I hold it together and then…I fall apart. I’m waiting for it. It’s about to all come crashing down. I know this feeling way too well. It happens every few months. And the cycle continues and I don’t know how to change it. I want this degree so bad but trying to do it and not go crazy is the hardest challenge I have ever had to face.
I feel like so many things are changing right now…
I got my tattoo, I got my own computer (which seems small but I’m separating myself from sharing one with my sister which is new) and sister and moving out and school is moving into a new section and I just…
Why does it feel so weird to move into a new section of life? I keep feeling different yet the same. New people are in my life and I keep losing people…
My small group has yet to say a word to me since school started and I had a total panic attack the first day and even said something about it on facebook and heard nothing from them. Which is shallow of me to expect but I just…they told me they would always be there for me and I didn’t know what I was doing and I feel like they just walked away…
And they told me that we would hang out and such and I’ve heard nothing. I feel like everyone is moving on without me and I’m racing to keep up. Why do I feel like the weird kid who’s still in high school?!
I always feel like the kid. Ugh.
Anyway. I need to go to bed now. It’s late and I have church. Night babes.
So here’s my tattoo story.
I kept thinking of things that I thought were important to me and I struggled with figuring it out. Then it hit me. Who said that a tattoo couldn’t be functional too? And somehow a color wheel popped into my head.
And from then on, it seemed to just…fit. Art is the love of my life and I don’t know how I’d get through some things without it. I keep finding new things to learn and enjoy about art and even more things to learn about art. So many things have changed and I’ve always been able to learn and work through them with art by my side. And it will always be something that I do. Even if I don’t do that as my job, I will still do it all the time.
So I went into the tattoo shop and she just…got it. I wanted something different than anyone else had and she understood that. And she was able to get that in a tattoo.
And then when she actually started the tattoo, she did the outline then asked another artist for help in the coloring and then I figured out that she doesn’t normally do coloring like that and then the other artist taught her how he does things and I was sitting there, listening and very interested as he was teaching her. So it’s more than just a tattoo about me. It was something special that I can look at and think that not only does it teach me about art more and more, it taught someone else something too. Which it truly amazing. Thank you Kiersten Lockwood for the amazing tattoo and wonderful memory. I really really appreciate it and I can’t begin to express my gratitude. <3 <3